Checking the Internet to see if I'm cool

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cool.

OK. I know. We all know the answer to that question. And it's far from the affirmative.

Still, from time to time it's worth checking to see just where my hipness, or lack thereof, really measures up.

A good tool for this is something known as the Lycos 50. The Lycos.com Web site is a good barometer of all things pop culture. The Lycos 50 is a ranking of the 50 most-searched things on the Internet. In other words, you could argue that the 50 items on this list are the things that are of most interest to computer users everywhere.

So I decided to take a look at the Lycos 50 and see how many of its entries I knew anything about. Here's what I came up with:

1. Katie Holmes. I know Ms. Holmes. Or perhaps I should say Ms. Cruise. Score 1 on my cool-meter.

2. Emma Watson. Plays Hermione in the "Harry Potter" movies. Two for two.

3. Mariah Carey. Know her, but try my best to ignore her.

4. Paris Hilton. See No. 3.

5. Naruto. Never heard of him/it/them. The first big black mark on my hipness report card.

6. Clay Aiken. "American Idol" runner up recently on Broadway. Never bought his album, though.

7. Pokemon. I know my 5-year-old son is into it, but it all baffles me.

8. YouTube. Know it well. Use it frequently. Even have my own account.

9. Pamela Anderson. How can you not know Pamela?

10. WWE. Wresting, I guess? No cool points for me here.

11. BitTorrent. Heard of it. Mostly confused by it.

12. Angelina Jolie. Trying to keep her from trying to adopt my kids.

13. MySpace. Know it, never used it.

14. Apple. Typing this column on one right now. (I assume we're talking about the computers, not the fruit; though I am familiar with both.)

15. Kim Kardashian. Never heard of her/him/it.

16. Britney Spears. Really, isn't about time we leave Britney alone?

17. Miley Cyrus. With an 8-year-old girl in my house, you can be assured that I am well-versed in all things Miley.

18. Disney. Know it all — the theme parks, the characters, the cable channel, etc.

19. Facebook. Not only do I know what it is, I even have my own Facebook page, complete with my very own Flair. And no, I will not add you to my friends list.

20. NFL. Are you ready for some football? Give me a few months.

21. Baseball. While I am more in tune with t-ball and 8-and-under softball at the moment, I am generally aware of the sport of baseball.

22. Lindsay Lohan. Know her. Tired of her.

23. Barbie. The Barbie phase has seemingly ended in my house, though there are still enough dolls and accessories lying around that I can't forget her.

24. Dragonball. Heard of it. No clue what it is.

25. Juno. Heard of it. Haven't seen it.

26. Wikipedia. Know it well. Use it all the time.

27. Madonna. See No. 22.

28. Perez Hilton. I'm guessing this is not the same person as No. 4, Paris Hilton. So I guess I'll have to plead ignorance on this one.

29. Anna Nicole Smith. Didn't she die? Why are people still so interested in her?

30. Scarlett Johansson. Good-looking actress. Can't name any of her movies.

31. Carmen Electra. Aren't her 5 minutes of fame over yet?

32. NBA. Who cares?

33. Jennifer Lopez. Don't know her as well as we all did a few years ago. Thank goodness that "Bennifer" thing is over.

34. Jessia Alba. Action-movie babe. Don't know much else.

35. Salma Hayak. Was once near the top of my favorite babes list.

36. Xbox. Know it. Never played it.

37. Inuyasha. Never heard of it.

38. RunEscape. What?

39. American Idol. Know it well; watch it every week. Archuleta's overrated, and Cook deserves to win.

40. Poker. Texas Hold'em anyone?

41. Eva Longoria. Desperate Housewife is nice to look at.

42. Beyonce. Know the name, but can't tell you anything about her.

43. Ashlee Simpson. Is this the one that was married to the Backstreet Boy? Or was that her sister? Or was it a 98 degrees guy?

44. Atkins Diet. Just another fad.

45. Jessica Biel. Get her confused with Jessica Alba.

46. Jennifer Anniston. I'd like to talk to her about my Flair.

47. LimeWire. Heard the term. No idea what it is.

48. Shakira. See No. 42.

49. Webkinz. I know my kids want one, but that's it.

50. Jessica Simpson. See No. 43.

So ... while I'm not living in a cave, it's pretty obvious that my finger is far from the pulse of American pop culture.

But I'm OK with that. After all, I stopped trying to be cool years ago. Besides, it's far more rewarding to make fun of the hip crowd than to be a part of it.