Now that the two major political parties have finally settled on their candidates, it's time to sit back and watch the quadrennial reality show known as the "Veepstakes."
This is where political pundits in the news media spent countless hours speculating about who might get picked as running mates, even though nobody really knows anything — and even though recent history has proven that running mates have very little impact in the fall election.
Nonetheless, the gap between the end of the primaries and the national convention leaves a void of political news, and the media has to fill that void with something, so on with the Veepstakes we go.
And not wanting to be left out of this cacophony, I thought I'd throw my 2 cents in.
Basically, when picking a running mate, there's two different strategies to use. Either you pick someone who shores up your weaknesses; or you pick someone who strengthens your brand.
We'll start on the Republican side, with Sen. John McCain. One of McCain's weaknesses is that he's not particularly popular among the Christian right. To shore up this potential flaw, McCain should tab someone with impeccable religious credentials. And my suggestion here is Ned Flanders. Most well-known as Homer's next-door neighbor on "The Simpsons," Flanders is a flawless Christian, sure to help McCain lure religious voters. Besides that, as a widower, he might draw some sympathy votes.
But another weakness for McCain stems from geography. Though he is from Arizona, which — technically speaking — is further south than most states, he pretty much comes across as a Yankee. And that doesn't bode well for a Republican nominee who must carry the South in order to win the presidency. So McCain ought to look for the quintessential Southerner as his veep pick. And who could be better than one Harland Sanders, better known as "Col. Sanders" of KFC fame? With his white suits and finger-lickin' good ideas, this Southern gentleman would be the perfect counter-balance to McCain.
But perhaps McCain's best bet is to simply play to his strengths. McCain is seen widely as the "experienced war hero," and he would be well-served to pick a running mate who strengthens that brand. My suggestion: John Wayne. Wayne would bring a confident swagger to the GOP ticket, providing the true grit that would leave the Obama camp shaking in its boots.
When it comes to Barack Obama, the problems start with the name. It's non-traditional and unorthodox, and it has some Americans — mainly those who can't chew gum and think politics at the same time — convinced that he's a radical Muslim terrorist. So Obama should consider choosing someone who contrasts wildly from that image. The pick here: Pope Benedict XVI. Not only is the Pope clearly not a radical Muslim terrorist, but he could also bring in the Catholic vote.
But the other big problem with Obama is that he comes across as a intellectual elitist. So he ought to pick an "everyman" as his running mate, someone whom ordinary Americans can relate to. Someone like Homer Simpson. (I would love to see a veep debate pitting Homer against Ned Flanders.)
But like McCain, Obama's best strategy might be to accentuate his strengths. Obama is seen as the candidate who is new, young, fresh, exciting and full of new ideas. That's why perhaps the best running mate for Obama would be an MP3 player. Like Obama, an MP3 player is new, young, fresh, exciting and full of new ideas. Sure, nobody knows for sure how it works, but nobody knows for sure what Obama stands for either, so it's a perfect pairing. All that matters is they're both cool.
It's a shame that the candidates will spend so much money on high-priced consultants for the vetting of potential running mates. And it's too bad that the media will spend so much time engaged in rampant speculation. Because it's pretty obvious that when it come to picking veep candidates, all the best ideas are right here in this column.
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