A few predictions for 2009

With a new year just about upon us once again, I thought it might be a good time to peek into the old crystal ball, and take a look at what 2009 might have to offer.

A few predictions:

— I predict that at the first sign of bad news, detractors of soon-to-be-President Barack Obama will herald the news as evidence of his unfitness for office.

— I predict that at the first sign of good news, champions of soon-to-be-President Barack Obama will herald the news as evidence of his destiny for greatness.

— I predict that it will be decades before a rational evaluation of the Obama presidency can begin.

— I predict that the talking heads on the around-the-clock cable news channels will continue to bemoan the current financial situation as (cue theme music) "the worst financial disaster since the Great Depression."

— I predict that Americans from coast-to-coast will continue to flock to their nearest supercenters to buy up mobile phones, video game systems, flat-screen TVs and inflatable holiday decorations by the truckloads.

— I predict that a team from some U.S. city, consisting of a dozen or so players, will win the NBA championship.

— I predict that 95 percent of the people reading this column can't name the last three NBA champions, and less than half can name 2008's winner.

— I predict that the Major League Baseball season will begin, with much fanfare, in April.

— I predict that it will take until at least August for a single Major League Baseball game to mean anything.

— I predict that a handful of movies I have never seen will compete for the Best Picture Oscar.

— I predict that a night at the movies, complete with popcorn and soda for everybody, will still cost enough to break most families' bank accounts.

— I predict that many families will continue to enjoy nights out at the movies, even though the country is facing (cue theme music) "the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression."

— I predict that Facebook and MySpace will achieve total world domination by mid-to-late-September.

— I predict that even though my Facebook friends may keep fighting with my avatar in YoVille, none will be able to match my Word Twist score.

— I predict that non-Facebook users just read the previous paragraph and said, “huh?”

— I predict that Sarah Palin won’t be able to as much as sneeze without pundits analyzing how the latest developments may affect her chances to win the Republican nomination in 2012.

— I predict that “Saturday Night Live” will spend most of the year fondly looking back at the days when they could lampoon Palin, and actually be funny.

— I predict that watching actual Sarah Palin media appearances will be funny enough for everybody.

— I predict that rumors of impending doom will continue to swirl around county hospitals.

— I predict that community leaders will extol the absolute necessity of having a local hospital.

— I predict that scores of local citizens (along with many of the community leaders mentioned above) will seek medical care outside of the county, whether there is a hospital here or not.

— I predict that whatever resolution arrived at regarding county hospitals won’t be the end of the story.

— I predict that hundreds of thousands of dollars will be spent when the new state lottery gets up and running, as Arkansans buy tickets in droves, hoping to beat the odds and strike it rich.

— I predict that the most immediate effect of the lottery will be a new state tax on people bad at math.

— I predict that a professional athlete will be in trouble with the law.

— I predict that professional athletes will continue to draw paychecks that far outpace that of teachers, or doctors, or newspaper editors.

— I predict that there will be word of several professional athletes singing bajillion-dollar contracts, even though the country is facing (cue theme music) "the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression."

— I predict that at least 10 people will take this column way too seriously.